Self-reflection

They do say you should be careful what you wish for.  Things are moving in the right direction in terms of the book, as I have had a flicker of potential interest from an agent.  This instantly filled me with the almost uncontrollable excitement and glee of a 6-year-old on Christmas morning, when Santa has been particularly generous.

But then small seeds of doubt started to creep in, which I know are ridiculous.  But when you wish for something for long enough, and work hard towards your goal, the first glimmer of it actually becoming ‘real’, can be deliciously nauseating.

A few weeks ago I seemed to spark a flurry of debate on a trans website, of the pitfalls of going public with personal stories being shared in the media.   I hate to admit it, but it got under my skin, rather to my irritation and inconvenience I felt forced to question what I have been working towards.

I shared my fears with Princess and she, quite rightly, looked at me like I was a lunatic.  D’ya ever wish you’d not opened your mouth?  Serious though, in the spirit of our honest relationship it was right that I spoke out, if nothing else I got it off my chest.

At the end of another tough week of work, I have yet again been reminded why I started all this.  Because I care, genuinely care about people and the injustices they experience.  I don’t believe in staying quiet, much to the annoyance I am sure of the professionals  it’s my job to challenge.

Essentially when I think something is wrong I will say so, which makes me sound like some terribly awful busybody.  But my focus always seems to be trying to make people see why something is wrong, when I believe it to be so.

I don’t have children, and don’t want children.  My friends know this and a very dear friend in particular, a very astute lady I may say, once challenged me when I said I had no maternal instincts.  She said it wasn’t true; that I had simply re-directed my caring nature and mothering instincts, in different and unconventional directions.

We are going to a friend’s party this weekend.  She is someone I have huge respect for.  The changes she has made in her life, what she has given up in her own personal fight to be herself, has been gracefully and stoically done.  I have never once heard her winge, which I don’t think can be said for many of us.   But it is for her, and thousands like her, that I want the public to have more exposure to knowing the reality of trans people’s lives, and not the damaging sensationalist media image people have been spoon fed for years.

Thanks for listening to my rather disjointed rambling this week.

I still believe that I am doing the right thing, in pursuing being published.  What do you think; do you want to see Angel & Princess in print?

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