Six months after publishing I still do not seem to have the full energy to do what I know I need to, to get some much needed coverage. Genuinely I can’t be bothered, which is a difficult and very uncomfortable thing to admit for me. It seems like such a mammoth task. I tell people ‘I have achieved what I wanted to and I am happy with it’. I am not sure if that is really true, or if it is just a line I am spinning as an easy route out. I know I am not a lazy person. It took years of plugging away to write the book and continuing determination to get it published.
Of course I would like to see some decent book sales. Of course I would like to see articles in print talking about my work and getting something moving for the transgender community. I feel I have possibly let myself be easily beaten. Because the truth is that I did do some knocking on doors at the beginning of the year. I have had some really good leads and journalists with promises of several good quality publications interested in a features article. But there has been a sticking point in discussions. They seem to lose interest when I say that Nicci is not part of the deal. This is about getting the ‘partners’ story out there. It is just so bloody short sighted. They want the glossy and, let’s be honest, sensational pictures. I know so many gorgeous women in transgender relationships; they can have their glossy photo’s – but we don’t have the sensational genitalia under our dresses that they want. I hate to allow myself to sound bitter, because it is not me. Have I let myself get disillusioned too soon, have I let myself run out of energy, am I making excuses?
I am sure I am thinking about it too much. It’s a nice dream to have that my book would have been picked up and become mainstream, to get a good message out about transgender relationships. My book will always be there, and I hope will always help people. But I have no energy and feel like just leaving any big success to fate. However this grates because I don’t believe that the things you want just land in your lap, you have to keep plugging away, and I am not doing this. I feel like a quitter and a fake? I don’t feel quite so ‘pioneering’ any more.
A good friend of mine has a theory however, that it is about the amount of energy you put out into the world. That includes thinking about, talking about, discussing what you want, which also has an influence on you getting what you want – not just the hard work you put in. I like this, and do feel I am getting more spiritual as I get older. It’s about a believing in you. Which I think is as good a note as any to end on.