Knocking on doors

Six months after publishing I still do not seem to have the full energy to do what I know I need to, to get some much needed coverage.  Genuinely I can’t be bothered, which is a difficult and very uncomfortable thing to admit for me.  It seems like such a mammoth task.  I tell people ‘I have achieved what I wanted to and I am happy with it’.  I am not sure if that is really true, or if it is just a line I am spinning as an easy route out.  I know I am not a lazy person.  It took years of plugging away to write the book and continuing determination to get it published.

Of course I would like to see some decent book sales.  Of course I would like to see articles in print talking about my work and getting something moving for the transgender community.  I feel I have possibly let myself be easily beaten.  Because the truth is that I did do some knocking on doors at the beginning of the year.  I have had some really good leads and journalists with promises of several good quality publications interested in a features article.  But there has been a sticking point in discussions.  They seem to lose interest when I say that Nicci is not part of the deal. This is about getting the ‘partners’ story out there.  It is just so bloody short sighted.  They want the glossy and, let’s be honest, sensational pictures.  I know so many gorgeous women in transgender relationships; they can have their glossy photo’s – but we don’t have the sensational genitalia under our dresses that they want.  I hate to allow myself to sound bitter, because it is not me. Have I let myself get disillusioned too soon, have I let myself run out of energy, am I making excuses?

I am sure I am thinking about it too much.  It’s a nice dream to have that my book would have been picked up and become mainstream, to get a good message out about transgender relationships.  My book will always be there, and I hope will always help people.  But I have no energy and feel like just leaving any big success to fate.  However this grates because I don’t believe that the things you want just land in your lap, you have to keep plugging away, and I am not doing this.  I feel like a quitter and a fake? I don’t feel quite so ‘pioneering’ any more.

A good friend of mine has a theory however, that it is about the amount of energy you put out into the world.  That includes thinking about, talking about, discussing what you want, which also has an influence on you getting what you want – not just the hard work you put in.  I like this, and do feel I am getting more spiritual as I get older.  It’s about a believing in you.   Which I think is as good a note as any to end on.

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4 Responses to Knocking on doors

  1. Lynn Jones says:

    I think there’s a (bitter) irony that you have a book that is all about the less-than-heard-of-side, the partner’s point of view, and a number of media folk are interested in what they know; trans kiss & tells. Or, if you’ve a harder bite to your satire, kiss and show :-\

    Dare I say that writing the book is the easy part. Getting it out there and visible is quite another. You have one strike against you in that you’re not Fifty Shades Part Four, or whatever this year’s must read was…… but please don’t let that stop you. As your friend said, by putting your energy out there, you can push things.

    You mentioned Sparkle last time, what about visiting other Trans groups? Maybe a book tour? What about contacting Gender Studies departments at Universities and trying to circumvent the traditional routes? Just a few thoughts.

    • Thanks hon for the supportive message. Sorry for not answering sooner I am just seem to be so busy all the time with other things which is part of the problem. Although I wonder how much of it is me making myself busy with other things to give myself an excuse. I know you are righting the book was the easy part. I knew that all along but wasn’t thinking beyond publication. Good suggestion on the Gender studies – I think I thought of that a very long time ago but completely forgot.

  2. Rebecca says:

    I thought you book was great and I am sure that it would appeal to a wide auidence, if they got to hear about it. I can well believe though that being at the mercy of others to get the word out there is hard, but you have a great story. Please don’t give up!

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