To be or not to be – gay?

After a nudge from my most patient follower, I thought I’d pen something I have been thinking about posting for a while.

Nicci has been on a long journey and back since I last wrote; tried the living full time thing, and realised its maybe not for her right now.  Unless you try new things you won’t know whether they are for you or not.  However as always I have remained referring to her in the female pronoun.

I started a new job at the beginning of this year.  In meeting my new colleagues; completely new people, who know nothing about me, I made a conscious decision to try something new too.  Three months in I have only ever referred to Nicci in female pronoun, I have not explained to anyone that she is transgender, simply referred to her as my partner using the female pronoun only.

If it had come up in conversation, naturally , – without me shoe horning it in with a sledge hammer – I would have, and still would explain.  Funny enough it isn’t something that has naturally come up in conversation; can you believe it!

So there is no doubt in my mind that everyone has assumed that I am gay.  Why would they not?  I am trying the label on for a while and seeing how I feel about it.

One of my weaknesses is buying clothes, I love fashion, what can I say.  I am thrifty, I don’t spend a fortune, I might spend a bit more if I know I will get a lot of  wear out of it.  It is certainly not Gucci that stays in my wardrobe unworn with the tag still attached – I wish!

When internet shopping, when it arrives at my home and I try it on, I have a golden rule; if I was trying it on in a shop changing room would I take it to the till and buy it.  If not, it gets returned.

I have tried the label of ‘gay’ on now for 3 months and I don’t want to take it to the till and buy it.  But I am also not sure of the rules of returning it at this point, 3 months in feels a bit like deceiving people.  One colleague has sent me a link to the last employee LGBT meeting minutes, I have had an invite to a place on this years London Pride float….and accepted!!

Nicci gave it two years , I am wondering if 3 months is still too soon to decide how I feel about it, but I don’t feel gay , there it is.  Oh My God – I just realised in writing this I might have to come out at work as straight.  I wonder if I am the first person in this position?

In all seriousness it is an issue that I feel I would like to delve into with some professional therapy, but preferably someone specially trained in transgender issues.  But this would be a luxurious indulgence.  If I had the time I would love to explore the subject more  thoroughly, personally, but also researching, interviewing etc, etc and maybe produce another book; this one on other women in my position exploring their sexual identity, but that might have to wait for another life time…or certainly something to park for the long distant future.

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2 Responses to To be or not to be – gay?

  1. Davina says:

    Fascinating reading this… Are you attracted to other women? or is it just your love for Nicci?
    It’s an awkward one in a way I suppose if in work they think or have assumed you’re Gay but you’re not with the conundrum of having to explain Nicci is trans … I wonder how people would view knowing you’re in a relationship with Nicci now if they knew about her being Trans?
    I’m willing to bet accepting you as Gay in the mainstream is easier to accept in their subconscious but knowing Nicci is trans some will have other connotations in their heads.. some possibly negative as Trans issues and Trans in general is still not viewed as mainstream as sexuality has become.
    My wife supports my Crossdressing and that’s all it is for me, Crossdressing but I’m in the Trans spectrum and like to dress fully making all my efforts to look convincing which is part of my escapism as “Davina” but at the end of the day I prefer being male just like the escapism of being “Davina” for a while the total opposite of male me. My wife exclaimed about something as simple as a kiss “I’m not a Lesbian I can’t kiss you”… I asked “It’s still me what do you mean?” to which she replied “You look like a woman and it does nothing for me so I’m not going anywhere near you sexually.. don’t mess with my sexuality”.. OK I haven’t tried anything since as happy with her acceptance and don’t want to spoil it but I’ve told her it’s still me and wont mess with her sexuality but that thought is there. I do wonder if some would still consider you Gay if they knew you were with Nicci with her being Trans.. Why is anything Trans so over complicated 🙂

  2. Lynn Jones says:

    A good book is worth the wait, IMHO.

    As to labels about who you are, if you know who you are and who you love, who cares? We all wear lots of different hats (or guises?), as we pootle our way through life.

    As to ‘coming out straight’, and not to make light of it – well, okay, a little 😉 – once you do, will you then need to explain the whole trans situation and as you do, will people be very confused? 🙂

    [ PS: welcome back. You’ve dodged Carousel 😉 ]

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