Take the plunge

I have been busy over the Christmas period on some other transgender sites and along the way I can see I have picked up some new readers, welcome and Happy New Year to you all.

My belief is that the more of us who are ‘out’, whether you are partners of someone transgender or transgender yourself and share our stories the better.  Together we can help those who are still in the closet and let’s face it are where we once were.  I bet there are some real beauties amongst you out there for which it’s virtually a crime for you to be hiding away.

I’ve been doing all the talking for too long, send me something to post and let’s start sharing.  For the more shy amongst you I have added my email address to my ‘about me’ page and I am happy to answer any questions you have, or just lend a friendly listening ear.  I have made some really good contacts in the last week and I hope to make some improved changes to the site in the future with links to other organisations if you are on here looking for more advice. 

Let’s get down to the business of this weeks blog.  Nearly all of the trans women/couples I know or chat to on line have children and so they all face the debate of when, how, if, at what age, etc to tell the children.  My view is that yes you should tell children.  What are you afraid of by not telling them?  Also you are fooling yourselves if you think that they don’t know something is already going on.  By not telling them they may worry about what this secret is that Mummy and Daddy are hiding from them.  Also by the very nature of keeping it a secret you are teaching them there is something wrong with being transgender. 

It is long overdue that transgender is more accepted and the next generation will be the ones helping this movement.  As parents you have a duty to teach children all the wonders of the world and celebrate the differences between people.  I know, I know; if you are not out and if your children are young and if you are  open about one of you being trans it will only be a matter of time before the children say something in public, that’s a lot of if’s when it could be an opportunity for you to start living your lives true. 

You may be reading this thinking ‘easy for you to say, your ‘out’’.  Yes but all of us who are ‘out’, were very much ‘in’ at some point and if you stop living your life according to fear, you may find it is not as hard as you think.  Sure it’s uncomfortable at first but I promise you it gets easier and it is not long before you start feeling liberated and free.  And what a gift to give your children, the lesson to live your life being true to who you are.

Disagree with me? then put your two pence worth in…Until next weeks usual Friday blog, have a good week xx

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2 Responses to Take the plunge

  1. Alex says:

    Some interesting thoughts and views on the subject of children and whether to tell them or not.

    Going back quite a few years now (circa 1994) I made the acquintance of someone, a MTF trans person, who had not only told his wife but also their young children. The children accepted the situation, I’m told. Everything seems fine on that account.

    In my case, my wife and I decided not to tell our two daughters. Our concerns were that should they be happy that Dad was trans they might tell schoolfriends, only to find that said schoolfriends would tell their parents, with an ensuing vitriolic reaction that then gets passed back to our daughters by said schoolfriends. That was our fear.

    Time moves on, my wife continues to ‘cover’ for me when I go out and stay out overnight. However, I’m not happy about hiding this aspect of my life from my children, now 17 and 20. So, at the beginning of 2010 I tell them both, separately. The elder one acknowledges what I’ve told her with very few if any questions.

    The 17 year old, thinks it’s cool, later tells me she now feels closer to me. She eventually sees a picture of me and doesn’t believe it’s me at first. Five minutes later she asks if she can come with me to the next BNO. Since then she’s done an A Level photography project on transgender people and told a few select friends at school that her Dad is trans. Response? They think it’s cool. But they agreed it’s probably not a good idea to mention it to others.

    Later, my younger daughter tells me the elder one thinks it’s weird. Nothing said to me, mind you. One good sign is that the elder one cracked a joke about dresses to me, which I took as a tacit sign that she’s not taking it too seriously or at least she’s prepared to have a laugh about it.

    Now I’m getting to the point. My youngest recently told me she was glad we hadn’t told her when she was a child. And I think there’s a point here. She wouldn’t have had the confidence to deal with negative reactions at an early age, because she wouldn’t have understood all the issues surrounding transgenderism.

    But with understanding comes confidence and with that confidence the ability not to care what others think if it happens to be a negative reaction.

    Also, a few years ago I wasn’t at a place where I was confident enough to be open about who I am, so how could I pass on that ‘don’t care a less’ attitude to my daughters? However, once I’d grown in confidence so my tolerance of others ignorance waned and I began not to care what others would think.

    In short, I don’t think there’s one right or wrong way about when to tell children. And a lot of it depends on the parents attitudes and unless those are sorted, in a positive way, any negative vibes would get passed back to the children – not a good situation.

    I seem to have rambled on quite a bit, but I hope readers can make some sort of sense out of what I’ve said.

    What do others think?

  2. Davina Legs says:

    There is probably a time and a place for telling ones children

    Mine and 2 and 6 and would probably think it a fun thing that Dad dresses up as a woman even though at the age of 6 my daughter comes up with things like “men dont wear makeup or dresses” so the society views have already reached her at 6 and it didnt come from me or my wife – so i point out hang on in the panto we went to the two ugly sisters were men “ah yes but that was a panto and they were ugly because they were men” hmmmm

    so society has already got to one of my off spring althought like i said shed think its fab to help dress Daddy up and make him look like a woman and like a sponge kids learn early that ok its different but its not weird its still Dad he just dressed up looking different

    However the downside to this is the dropping or picking up of kids from school where you realise the mums are staring at you then you notice their kids are not allowed round to play with your kids and realise that your daughters told her friends who told their parents and now the whole school yard knows you crossdress and percieve you to be a pervert who cannot be trusted around their kids – very sad and made up but a likely event ?

    there will be a time and place when ill tell my kids as its going to be very tricky as they get older and nosier and come and go as they please – i may eventually stop dressing due to not being able to look convincing any more or simply as i cant find the time – or take the next step and have weekends away with my wife as “Davina” – who knows

    My wife and i have talked deeply about letting others and our kids know that i crossdress and we both feel society and our family and friends are not ready or educated in trans world issues enough.

    D

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