Angel is away on a little holiday at the moment so this is Princess making a contribution to the world of trans-literature. I’m not the writer in this relationship and I’m quite happy to leave that to Angel… although I often think that perhaps I should get myself motivated and write that non-fiction tome I’ve been playing about with in my head.
Motivation! What a conundrum. I can’t get motivated to write my book and it’s about… motivation; more specifically workplace motivation. Ooh, the irony!!
Anyway….. I’m going to use this post to talk about what it’s like to have a partner who accepts me being transgender. Women like Angel are quite rare and I still pinch myself and worry that I might wake up and it’s all a dream. At the most basic level Angel just gets it… it’s as if she is intuitively tuned into what being gender variant is all about – the challenges, fears, highs and lows. It is so affirming to be able to just be me. I can present as I want, when I want and Angel has no reaction either way – although she always seems really pleased when I make the effort to look good.
I hear and read stories of other trans-people who have great difficulty getting acceptance from their partners. They battle, argue, fight and negotiate… and eventually reach a compromise. The transgender partner’s existence is negotaiated and agreed upon… And I can’t help but think that it’s a recipe for disaster. This is not love… it’s a case of “I love you but….” and the very fact that there is a ‘but’ means that there are conditions being imposed. “I will love you on condition that…..”
I used to be married and I had conditions imposed on me. I was allowed to dress a set number of times per month; I wasn’t allowed to go out the house; I wasn’t allowed to tell anyone; and she always went out so that I was left alone to do ‘my thing’.. Oh yes, I wasn’t allowed to use the T word.
I hope you see the problem here… this concept of being ‘allowed’. I, an adult, had to ask or permission to be me. Surely adults have the right to choose their own path in life? Surely adults do not need someone else’s permission to exist? I was being forced to pretend that I was somone I never could be. I had to be her version of me. And ultimately that led to resentment, anger and distance. After 16 years of marriage I just couldn’t maintain the facade anymore and we went our separate ways.
…. But that opened the door for me to find Angel and the last 3 years have quite simply been the best years of my life. They have been the only 3 years of my life… because it is now MY life, not someone else’s version of what my life should be.
That is the greatest gift one person can ever give another. That is true and unconditional. That is love.
You describe what I’ve gone through with my wife striving for her acceptance knowing I’ve shocked and to a point scared her due to my occasional cross dressing which gives her images of drag queens, men dressing as women to attract other men, you dress so re you gay, do you want to be a woman full time, a sex change, oh my god is it my fault… None of the above… Gay? Far from it!
I had the same issue had to dress home alone leaving no trace… I couldn’t hide it any more like the courage I had to confess for want of a better word my cross dressing was wasted as I was back dressing with her knowledge but behind her back…. We had to talk and it took weeks indeed months for me to broach the subject to why dowe have to talk about it?
Eventually we both opened up emotionally I allayed her fears as well as I could and we moved on a step to me working from home dressed with her knowledge so up to her if she came home dinner time from work and avoided seeing me until one day she was home I was up here as Davina working… I text how’s about a cuppa…. She came up I was expecting the tea left on the landing but she kept on coming and faced her fear … Wow I thought that’s brave… I don’t feel weird and neither did she… In fact she said that’s my dress you bitch… My god your legs are amazing… You look so convincing…. Better figure than me bitch (again) and then but that wig is naff we’ll get you a new one… Wow defining moment..
We talked a lot that evening she picked a wig out for me off the Internet…next he’s agreeing to a girls night in… That was fab… Now if I work from home I let her know I’m dressed or not she’s fine either way and it’s brilliant and our love for each other blossoms… Guess I’m lucky
Who knows next step we go out as girls as with the kids growing up its gonna get tricky